What is there to say about a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie? The premise is wholly silly, a quartet of turtles mutated to humanoid form who hide in the sewers of New York and fight the evil Foot Clan, lead by Shredder (Brian Tee). It's unfair really to objectively review a movie like this because I don't believe it was ever meant to be taken seriously, or be good.
This follow-up to the 2014 revival of the franchise is fairly forgiving to those who didn't see the first one (me!), as the film nice sets up the status quo. The turtles still hide in the sewers, and attend Knicks games by hiding in the jumbotron. Vernon (Will Arnett) for some reason was credited with bringing down Shredder in the last movie, and lives the life in the spotlight. Meanwhile, the turtles and April O'Neil (Megan Fox) investigate things and I think Megan Fox transformed into a school girl outfit to get close to Baxter Stockman (Tyler Perry), a mad scientist who's bent on breaking Shredder out of prison?
The details aren't really that important. For turtles fans, this movie introduces Casey Jones (Stephen Amell), Bebop and Rocksteady (Gary Anthony Williams and Sheamus, respectively), and Krang (voice of Brad Garrett). If those names are familiar to you, and the prospect of their presence in this movie excites you, then you should probably go check this out.
But if you're like me and are only cursorily aware of the turtles and their universe, maybe not so much. The movie is directed by Dave Green and produced by Michael Bay, and the movie hews close to his aesthetic. Unlike Bay's recent films, this one clocks in at under 2 hours and is not a pain to sit through. Bay can up the ante so much that his movie's are insufferable, and to Green's credit, he does Bay better than Bay.
The movie also does a pretty good job of distinguishing the turtles. I have to admit, they all seemed fairly interchangeable to me, despite the colored masks. Strip those away and they are as identical as any of the South Park kids without hair or hats. But the movie gives each turtle a characteristic, so dummy like me actually knew which one was Raphael and Leonardo. Previous iterations only defined the turtles by their masks and weapons of choice.
The action is fine. There is an opening chase scene in which Shredder is extracted from a prison convoy, in a scene eerily similar to The Dark Knight. There is an extended sequence in Brazil where the turtles ride down a river on a tank, and a final battle in the skies over New York. Just don't ask me how they defeated Krang, because I may have closed my eyes for that part.
But there's nothing special about this movie. There is the echoes of a good idea as the turtles confront a substance that could make them human, and grapple with what that would mean. But the movie quickly resolves this and emphasizes team work and camaraderie. The rest is fairly forgettable and boring. The script is rote, the performances phoned in (except for Laura Linney who is always fantastic and for some reason is in this movie), and the movie is over 50% CGI, so why are we watching a live-action version of this? I don't think a real April O'Neil and Casey Jones sells the universe. Sorry turtles, you are not my cup of tea.
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