The Worst of the 2000s

I realized today that I never really reflected on which movies were the worst of the decade that expired nearly 8 months ago. We all got obsessed figuring what was the best, what would live on in memory, and we forgot to reflect on the amount of shit that came out in the decade as well. Now I didn't see a lot of movies that I thought were horrible. There are a fair number of bad movies I missed (Battlefield Earth and Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever are two notable ones I never saw), so if you think there are movies worse then what I've listed, there probably are. I don't make it a habit to runaround and see all the awful movies out there so I can make a good worst of the decade list. There are also only 5 movies, because I don't think the worst should be dignified with slots (and it's more fun to figure out what really is the worst).

5. Troy (2004)

Dir. Wolfgang Petersen

This took a story I loved, the Trojan War (I haven't read the Iliad itself), and got everything about it wrong. Eric Bana, Diane Kruger, and Peter O'Toole (especially O'Toole) are the only good parts of the movie, and while I don't hate the rest of the cast, I think they were either miscast or their roles were underwritten. Brian Cox is Agamemnon, and he is good in the role, but the role is typified as a villain. Similarly, Achilles (Brad Pitt) seems like nothing more then a surfer dude who also happens to be a badass with a sword. And Sean Bean was about one of the worst choices for Odysseus. I should trust the guy, not suspect his every motive.

Even worse is how the movie tries and fails to be like Lord of the Rings, with battles as epic as any in that film, but with none of the emotional heft. Really, I find it hard to believe the whole nation of Greece would ride out against Troy without some motivation...which is where the Gods came in! Now, true, the inclusion of Gods can be ridiculous, but I think this is what the story needed. Most of what happens in these Greek stories is because the Gods are bored and trying to spite each other. The movie also takes a 10-year war and condenses it down into two weeks or so, the fastest war I've ever heard of.

This is also when Orlando Bloom had a brief run of popularity (but who remembers him now?), and he is probably the worst as Paris. I hated everything about this movie, except Peter O'Toole who can never be hated. I hope one day to see a movie that does the Trojan War justice.

4. Rush Hour 2 (2001)

Dir. Brett Ratner

The only time I saw this movie was when I was 12 or 13-years-old, and I remember even then thinking how horrible the script was. The jokes aren't funny, the story is all over the place, and Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan have zero chemistry (plus, Tucker is REALLY annoying). While anything with Chan will have fun fight sequences, this still can't escape the fact that it's a Brett Ratner film, who really is one of the worst filmmakers out there today. I don't remember much about the movie, but I was very unhappy with my friend who recommended it to me.

3. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Dir. Michael Bay

I continually name this as one of the worst because I was fool enough to go to the midnight screening and witness the heinous acts against humanity on the screen. The script is horrible, built around action sequences Bay devised while the writers were on strike, and the story doesn't make any sense. If the Fallen can only be destroyed by a Prime, then doesn't that make Megatron stronger then he, since he does succeed in killing Optimus Prime? The movie is also horribly racist, with two jive-talking robots that are the comic relief but also African-Americanish. They also can't read the language of the robots. Yeah. Just stay away from this pile of trash.

2. Kung Pow: Enter the Fist (2002)

Dir. Steve Oedekerk

It's a spoof of the martial arts genre, and its about the most annoying thing I have ever seen. Oedekerk casts himself in the title roll, as a baby whose parents are killed by a thug and who grows up seeking vengeance for his dead parents. The movie uses an actual Kung Fu film, The Savage Killers, and while the movie gets a laugh out of dubbing, it gets several groans out of a love interest who makes an annoying sound, and a cow who knows Kung Fu. It's not a funny movie, it is a horrible one.

1. Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

Dir. Jared Hess

Comedy is the hardest genre: rarely do they get recognized for how funny and touching they can be, but the bad ones stand out worse then a bad drama. A bad drama you forget, but a bad comedy...you remember it because you can't figure out why it was funny. And I can't figure out why the world fell in love with this quirky story of a weirdo from Idaho who does...nothing! This movie is about nothing! Just this guy who is awkward and lives his life!

I guess it would help if I actually thought the guy was funny. And while I think Jon Heder is good, I don't think the character is that...interesting. He's just annoying. The audience laughs at Napoleon, not with him. Not once are we given an insight into this character, who he is, what his dreams are. We simply get random gags. His grandma is injured in a dune buggy accident. Ok, not really that funny. His uncle thinks he was once a great NFL star and goes wild in front of the TV. And his brother chats with women online all day long.

Really, I didn't like anything about this movie. I remember when it came out, and how much everyone loved it. I saw it because they said see it. But this movie is the worst because I don't think there is any other movie that has received as much public acclaim as this that I just can't...stand. It's a bad movie, and definitely one I have hated since the moment I saw it.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

This review contains minor spoilers, so get over yourself

I enjoyed the first Transformers movie. I really did. It's not a particularly good film, but it has a certain goofy energy about it that I really enjoyed. Even though it is huge robots kicking the shit out of each other, I was thrilled by it.

I wasn't really expecting this one to be better then the first, but boy did I not expect it to be this bad. "Tender" moments between Shia LeBeouf and Megan Fox are underscored by terrible pop songs that inform but don't enhance the moment. Robot battles go on endlessly, and the climax of the film must have been at least thirty minutes.

The movie picks up with the AutoBots (the good guys) hunting down the remainder of the Decepticons (the bad guys). Megatron, the villain from the last film, is being caged in an underwater prison, surrounded by an elite guard, but sneaking by them is no problem for pesky Decepticons looking to revive Megatron. Though why would you store Megatron on one place? Why not just chop him up into little bits, compact his different parts, and spread them to different points of the world? I think this would guarantee his resurrection would not occur (alas, it does).

LeBeouf is off to college, while Fox stays behind, and they establish a long distance relationship (though when trouble arises, Fox quickly hops a flight to the East Coast to rescue him). LeBeouf (or Sam)'s new roommates are incredibly annoying hacker types who just happen to be onto the whole giant robot events from two years prior. Leo (Ramon Rodriguez) tags along for the ride, but he does nothing more then whine and complain about what's going on.

I don't mind crazy action where shit blows up all over the place, but there has to be some substance to what is going on in the film. The first had the simple premise of boy trying to win over girl with new car, and I was intrigued by the Transformers themselves. Now, the robots are boring and an actual plot needed to be assembled. MOTIVATION! IT DOESN'T EXIST IN THIS MOVIE!

Well, it does for Sam and Megan Fox I guess. They have to stop the Decepticons from destroying the earth (they want to blow up the sun). But why are the Decepticons so hell bent on blowing up the sun? It's not merely motivated by what happened in the last movie, because apparently "the Fallen" (the supervillain for this film) has been trying to do this since 17,000 B.C. (as the prologue helpfully establishes).

It also feels like Bay took comment cards from the first one, saw what people liked, and amped it up to the next extreme. I enjoyed the moderate amount of sexual humor the first time around: the mother accusing Sam of masturbating, Bumble Bee "lubricating" on an annoying character. But in this movie it is taken to RIDICULOUS extremes. The mother is even more over the top, and in the college scene eats a pot brownie and just gets plain annoying. Other unsightly gags are John Turturro's ass and a Decepticon's balls. Really? Are you this childish, Bay?

I also like to note the obvious product placement in Bay's movies, as they are filled with them. Mountain Dew, Southwest, Cisco, all get their due. But I only bring this up because it really got to me: in Sam's dormroom, there are posters. One is Cloverfield, which has it's obvious ties to Transformers (the teaser debuted before it); second is a poster of Bad Boys II (another Bay film) which gets a considerable amount of close-up time. Really Bay? Really? Advertising things you would find in real life is one thing, but shamelessly plugging your own movies? A new low.

The movie runs at 150 minutes, which go by quickly, but when you get to the end you realize nothing of substance happened. Optimus is killed by Megatron, and then Sam saves him in the end (oops, spoiler), and apparently some significant "character" moment is realized there. The parents also have a moment letting their child go, and there is a Far and Away moment (not involving Optimus). AGH!

I saw this at the midnight screening for God knows what reason (probably because today is my day off), and at these screenings you are seeing it with devotees to the franchise. Two rows up sat a particularly entertaining kid how cheered when the AutoBots came to the rescue, whopped when a "badass" moment happened, and lifted his arms in the air whenever something exciting was happening. I have to admire someone who can so thoroughly enjoy a movie this much, because he truly loved what he was seeing. I don't like placing myself in a higher authority to such misbegotten creatures, but I think all of us in the theater who saw this kid were amused (or annoyed) by his conviction.

There will be a third one. This movie ends with Optimus saving the day, and as soon as that happens, it just ends. There is no coming to terms with what has happened over the last 150 minutes, it's just Optimus, LeBeouf, Fox, and company standing on a Battleship as the sun sets. I saw this movie because I enjoyed the first one, but now I know exactly what will happen the third time around. So I will not see a third installment in this series.

One last note: a main character should have died. There are probably millions of bystanders that get blown the fuck away, but no one of importance dies (oops, spoiler). That really needed to happen.

Rating: 2/10

Kid Who Absolutely Loved This Movie: 7/10, for making some moments bearable.