A Thousand Words (2012)

I thought I was being unfair to A Thousand Words, the new Eddie Murphy comedy that's not so new because it was filmed back in 2008 and supposed to be released in 2009. I went to a secret screening of a film that we didn't know the title of. It could be anything! I was lead to believe by the online survey I filled out to attend the film that it would be The Dictator (what else am I to think when I'm asked if I saw and enjoyed either Borat or Bruno). Well, I got an exclusive look at the new Dictator trailer, which as of this writing is still not released (you learn more about the film's story). But the movie I ended up seeing was A Thousand Words, and I had the privilege of being a member of the first audience to see it.

How exciting for me. I had no idea what this film was about, so despite my disappointment that all I got from the Dictator was a new trailer (a funny one, I might add), I was interested in how I would react to this film. After all, I had not seen a trailer, I had no idea who was in it, and I had no idea what it was about. It was one of those rare moments we as movie goers don't get anymore, especially those of us heavily focused on whats coming out next. I was seeing the film with no bias at all (apart from the fact that Eddie Murphy was in it, who unfortunately inspires dread nowadays).

The films premise is a fun one: Eddie Murphy plays literary agent Jack McCall, a fast talking, lying piece of work that will do anything to get what he wants. In an early scene, he dodges a Starbucks coffee line by convincing everyone that his wife was in labor, and having twins (thereby earning him a free cup of joe). But when he grabs the rights to an exclusive book written by a hot new self-help guru, he somehow becomes cursed by a Bodhi tree which springs up in his backyard and sheds leaves at his every word. They determine, somehow, that if the tree loses its leaves, he will die.

This film is by no means completely awful, but its not really all that good either. There are funny moments involving Murphy desperately pantomiming a coffee order or using various speaking toys around his office to close a deal with a publisher. And Clark Duke, as his assistant, adds the funniest bits to the movie (as he often does). The film also somehow manages to star Allison Janney as his boss and Ruby Dee as his mother.

But the film falls apart when the main character realizes that he needs to better himself, and the film gets rather somber in the later half. Few directors can handle a tonal shift like this, and Brian Robbins (whose other credits include Norbit and Meet Dave) is not up to snuff. The film reminded me of Groundhog Day in a way, as Bill Murray transitions from condescending asshole to an all around talented and awesome guy. Yet Groundhog Day somehow handled its dramatic scenes (Murray's multiple suicides) in a way that doesn't feel heavy-handed and schmaltzy.

Kerry Washington is also underserved as Murphy's wife, who just wants to move from his Bachelor Pad atop the Hollywood Hills to a nice home that's child safe (they have a son). Apparently his unwillingness to do this puts a real thorn in her side, and when Murphy stops talking, she takes this as him being mad at her. Of course she decides to maybe make it up to him by putting out, which leads to an incredibly miscalculated scene where she invites Murphy to a hotel room and says, "All I need is for you to talk dirty to me." Well really, movie, of course this scene would exist when he can't talk.

But what really infuriated me about the whole film was that the climax rested on an internal conflict Murphy has with his Dad which is established with no less then one line of dialogue in the first ten minutes of the movie. Yes, his Alzheimer's mother keeps thinking he is his dad, but I took this as more of a bad joke then something that was really hurting the character. This also leads to some very odd sequences where Murphy chases himself as a kid through golden wheat fields.

So maybe the movie is pretty bad. The intentions are good, but the execution is designed to try and ring a tear from your eye in the most manipulative feel good way possible. Clearly if I felt more sympathy for the characters IN the film I might have cared. But as it is, this film is a poorly made mess. There's a reason its been shelved for nearly four years, and the saddest part is it was only now just released to take advantage of Eddie Murphy's recent Oscar hosting stint. Because that happened.

Troll 2 (1990)

I am in no way a connoisseur of terrible cinema. Sure I've beheld the cinematic atrocity that is Plan 9 From Outer Space because one simply kind of has to. I focus on seeing films that are supposed to be good or sound good, but I have to admit it is refreshing to see an awful film every once in awhile, if only to remind me why those other films actually are so good. If excellence is the norm then you quickly become hard to impress, until you witness something so horrible that you run back into the arms of Tokyo Story because now you feel it is a masterpiece compared to what you just saw.

But here's the thing about most "bad" movies: they are unforgivably boring. MST3K has remedied this problem by adding their uneven though often funny commentary to the lowest budget films in existence. But these films, if viewed without all the smart assery, would bore you to tears and you would more then likely switch them off after half an hour. The truly best of the worst actually somehow manage to entertain you on some perverse level, and keep you entertained throughout the entire thing.

Think about it. The worst films you've ever seen are films that made you angry and are films you would never consider watching again. They are usually films that upset you on some level, or just simply bore you to tears, or rape your senses. You don't think of the worst film ever with pleasure, you think of it with disdain, you try and erase it from your memory.

Troll 2 is certainly nowhere near the worst film ever made. But it is the best worst film I have ever seen. The acting is awful, the plot pathetic, the dialogue dreadful, and the effects abominable. All these elements come together to create a film you truly have to see to believe it exists. It's so bad, its actually enjoyable somehow.

And I think one of the key elements to Troll 2's success is that the plot actually moves. Scenes are not drawn out, there are a variety of characters to keep the film from dragging (especially when the protagonist is so vexing). The film makes up the rules as it goes, and while normally I would be offended by this, here I was fascinated.

I don't really want to get into the specifics of the plot, or point out the characters, or anything like that. I'm actually somewhat disappointed in myself for watching Best Worst Movie, the documentary made by Troll 2's child star about the cult following the film has developed, because it spoiled some of the delights the film contained (though certainly not all). Best Worst Movie and Troll 2 make a good double feature, and which one you watch first is irrelevant; though the film does show some of the best scenes, it leaves one of the most over-the-top characters off screen for you to discover for yourself. But make sure you watch the films together. They make a good companion piece.

Taking Woodstock (2009)

40 years after the landmark music festival, where hundreds of thousands of people gathered in peace, we get a movie detailing what into making the concert possible, and how it affected the people around it.

Now that sounds like the premise to a pretty decent little film, and Ang Lee's new effort Taking Woodstock is, for the most part, enjoyable. It's sported by a likable cast (Demetri Martin, Imelda Staunton, Emile Hirsch, Liev Schreiber, and others) and helmed by a director who should be capable of handling such material.

Martin, who is a very funny and unique stand-up comic (if you haven't, check out his Comedy Central special Person), plays Elliot Teichberg, a young man who has sacrificed a job at New York to go upstate and help his parents (Staunton and Henry Goodman) turn around their crumbling motel. Elliot notices that a concert has been kicked out of its original location, and sees an opportunity to make money. And then everything snowballs into Woodstock.

The movie never really focuses on the concert on stage, where Janis Joplin and the Grateful Dead are presumably playing, but focuses on Elliot as he wanders around the concert, trying to get to the stage but being sidetracked by the many colorful characters that show up. Schreiber, who is in drag here, steals the show.

But the movie is littered with clichés of the time. Elliot takes acid and suddenly his eyes are opened to the entire world. His mother fulfills every requirement of the greedy jew, charging extra for towels or soap. The uptight parents take brownies and strut around. And around and around it goes, never ending.

I actually really want to see the three hour documentary Woodstock (1970) which I feel would be a better representative to that "awesome" time everyone reminisces about. Here, Ang Lee falls far short.

The movie has a lot of interesting ideas presented in the movie, but it never fully realizes any of them. Staunton's character has a revelation that is so stereotypical you expect her to turn into a rat, Elliot's dad has the cheesiest confession this year, and the movie never really gives you a sense of the community and camaraderie the hippies had with each other.

Ultimately, the movie is forgettable. I doubt that when I wake tomorrow I will be thinking much about this film. And soon I will forget its existence completely. Which is a shame, because Woodstock probably deserves more justice then this. Though it already has a three hour documentary. I think I'll put that on my Netflix.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

This review contains minor spoilers, so get over yourself

I enjoyed the first Transformers movie. I really did. It's not a particularly good film, but it has a certain goofy energy about it that I really enjoyed. Even though it is huge robots kicking the shit out of each other, I was thrilled by it.

I wasn't really expecting this one to be better then the first, but boy did I not expect it to be this bad. "Tender" moments between Shia LeBeouf and Megan Fox are underscored by terrible pop songs that inform but don't enhance the moment. Robot battles go on endlessly, and the climax of the film must have been at least thirty minutes.

The movie picks up with the AutoBots (the good guys) hunting down the remainder of the Decepticons (the bad guys). Megatron, the villain from the last film, is being caged in an underwater prison, surrounded by an elite guard, but sneaking by them is no problem for pesky Decepticons looking to revive Megatron. Though why would you store Megatron on one place? Why not just chop him up into little bits, compact his different parts, and spread them to different points of the world? I think this would guarantee his resurrection would not occur (alas, it does).

LeBeouf is off to college, while Fox stays behind, and they establish a long distance relationship (though when trouble arises, Fox quickly hops a flight to the East Coast to rescue him). LeBeouf (or Sam)'s new roommates are incredibly annoying hacker types who just happen to be onto the whole giant robot events from two years prior. Leo (Ramon Rodriguez) tags along for the ride, but he does nothing more then whine and complain about what's going on.

I don't mind crazy action where shit blows up all over the place, but there has to be some substance to what is going on in the film. The first had the simple premise of boy trying to win over girl with new car, and I was intrigued by the Transformers themselves. Now, the robots are boring and an actual plot needed to be assembled. MOTIVATION! IT DOESN'T EXIST IN THIS MOVIE!

Well, it does for Sam and Megan Fox I guess. They have to stop the Decepticons from destroying the earth (they want to blow up the sun). But why are the Decepticons so hell bent on blowing up the sun? It's not merely motivated by what happened in the last movie, because apparently "the Fallen" (the supervillain for this film) has been trying to do this since 17,000 B.C. (as the prologue helpfully establishes).

It also feels like Bay took comment cards from the first one, saw what people liked, and amped it up to the next extreme. I enjoyed the moderate amount of sexual humor the first time around: the mother accusing Sam of masturbating, Bumble Bee "lubricating" on an annoying character. But in this movie it is taken to RIDICULOUS extremes. The mother is even more over the top, and in the college scene eats a pot brownie and just gets plain annoying. Other unsightly gags are John Turturro's ass and a Decepticon's balls. Really? Are you this childish, Bay?

I also like to note the obvious product placement in Bay's movies, as they are filled with them. Mountain Dew, Southwest, Cisco, all get their due. But I only bring this up because it really got to me: in Sam's dormroom, there are posters. One is Cloverfield, which has it's obvious ties to Transformers (the teaser debuted before it); second is a poster of Bad Boys II (another Bay film) which gets a considerable amount of close-up time. Really Bay? Really? Advertising things you would find in real life is one thing, but shamelessly plugging your own movies? A new low.

The movie runs at 150 minutes, which go by quickly, but when you get to the end you realize nothing of substance happened. Optimus is killed by Megatron, and then Sam saves him in the end (oops, spoiler), and apparently some significant "character" moment is realized there. The parents also have a moment letting their child go, and there is a Far and Away moment (not involving Optimus). AGH!

I saw this at the midnight screening for God knows what reason (probably because today is my day off), and at these screenings you are seeing it with devotees to the franchise. Two rows up sat a particularly entertaining kid how cheered when the AutoBots came to the rescue, whopped when a "badass" moment happened, and lifted his arms in the air whenever something exciting was happening. I have to admire someone who can so thoroughly enjoy a movie this much, because he truly loved what he was seeing. I don't like placing myself in a higher authority to such misbegotten creatures, but I think all of us in the theater who saw this kid were amused (or annoyed) by his conviction.

There will be a third one. This movie ends with Optimus saving the day, and as soon as that happens, it just ends. There is no coming to terms with what has happened over the last 150 minutes, it's just Optimus, LeBeouf, Fox, and company standing on a Battleship as the sun sets. I saw this movie because I enjoyed the first one, but now I know exactly what will happen the third time around. So I will not see a third installment in this series.

One last note: a main character should have died. There are probably millions of bystanders that get blown the fuck away, but no one of importance dies (oops, spoiler). That really needed to happen.

Rating: 2/10

Kid Who Absolutely Loved This Movie: 7/10, for making some moments bearable.